Yay! It's the Eurovision Song Contest again! After Lordi won last year it seems like it's going to be rather intresting this year. Not as many rock acts trying to emulate Lordi's success - but there is a lot more intresting techno, etc. And then the UK decides to try to win with a horrid, out of tune song with horrid fake tan people... United Kingdom - Nil Points.

*shouting*

"You fucking hoor!"

"Shut your fucking face you fucking wee poof!"

Shouting matches across the street where I live with people about 2 years younger then myself. Shouting, screaming, insulting, threatening each other. Not something you'd really expect from a village in the Scottish Highlands, but in reality this place is like a council estate (think ghetto, for our American friends) in the middle of no-where.

In other news I have the breathing power of a 75 year old.

Hathor can enslave me anyday.

'Nuff said.

Date:	2005-11-28 10:15
Subject:	Hate snow...
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

I hate snow so much that I took 15 minutes in Photoshop to create this masterpiece of modern art...

Just. Say. No.



Wish me well when I go out in the frozen landscape to pickup Chrissy cards in... Oh.... One hour...

Christ I am a stupid bastard sometimes. I decided to stop taking my medication, Paroxatine. Stubborness and pride. Instead of sanely asking the doctor for advice to help me get off them. I decide to just stop taking them. Dumbass me. Head hurts so bad. Like someone really heavy is sitting on it. Keeping hearing little clicky flapping noises in my ears. Gassy. Sweating loads. I feel so bad. I feel like I want to whack my head againt the wall to make it stop. But that is wrong because it would be a bloody bad idea to do that. Parents know. Worrying. Afraid they will send for funny farm. Men in white coats and butterfly nets coming to take me away. Can not sleep as I sweat more. Have horrid dreams. Dreams about childhood. Repetitive dreams where I do not feel rested. Wish to cvomit. Do not want to vomit. My playstaion broke. Nothing to keep me occupied. Cold but warm. No concerntration. No patience. No rest.

This is the end. After this. No more drugs for me. I would rather slit mey wrists then be put on crap like this again.

Well I am bored and I read this from Sas. Will not tag anyone else. As I am lazy and I do not know that many people whom i could annoy. :-p

1.) I was awarded a prize for Higher Computing in 4th Year - Despite spending most of the time on the Internet in class.

2.) I have only been kissed once. When I was just nine years old. Our romance lasted a day.

3.) At the moment I am extemely intrested in everything about the "Xenomorph" or Alien from the Aliens films. Everything from lifecycle to how they communicate. Yes. My life is so sad that I study fictional beasts.

4.) I have never been abroad. The furtherst afield I have been from my home is Leeds when I visited my Grandfather.

5.) I have the flag of the former USSR on my wall.

6.) My last meal was hotdogs in buns and a lovely choccy fudge cake with warm, sticky toffee covering the top of a lovely hot sponge. Heaven.

7.) The drugs I am on right now have stopped my orgasm. Note: Shoot doctor when I next see her.

8.) When I was a child, I thought I would be helpful and take my mothrers tea mug into the kitchen. However, I tripped and fell foward, my head impacting against the cup on my right eyebrow. The mug did not shatter, but the impact caused a preasure cut. I still have the scare on my right eyebrow today.

9. I feed Crane Flies to my rats.

10. I do not have 20 random facts to fill this up. So I will shush now.

Not really sure why I am updating. Lack of anything else better to do I suppose. I have a PlayStation 2 game on the telly behind me. The wind gusting my (closed) curtains so they billow out a tad. Dirty dishes on my desk beside me. And, oh joy, one of the RAF jets that train around where I live has just passed overhead with a lovely roar.

Meh. Anyway. I feel slightly worse of late. Increased my dosage of whatever drugs I am on now. But still no change. I may aswell keep taking them, though. After all, I may drive a pharmcuitical executive to suicide should demand suddenly fall for his product. We would not want that.

Been thinking a lot lately. About my past. The things I have tried to forgot. The things that I can not remember. I can remember my childhood day by day. Some bits of it even more vivid in my mind then the last 10 minutes of today. Yet even though I remember I can hardly understand. It feels as if I am remembering someone elses life. Someone who was not me. I do not want to be that person. The child who could not understand what was going around in the world. Why people were so mean to him. The world confused the boy so much that he lashed out at others around him. The boy did not understand people in the least. Yet still felt the need for closeness, yest was unable to find it.

I am not that boy. But I am. Have I really changed? I thought I changed when I finally made friends. When I finally started going to mainstream school after being told I would thick. Stupid. Would ammount to nothing. Yet I did ammount to something accademically. The people who stood up for me got their reward. But I had not changed. I am still that boy. Scared, lonley. Only instead of lashing out at others he lashes out at himself. Cursing himself for all the stupid things he has done in the past.

I write this with my conciousness in two parts. One part knowing this is all true. The other part critiscing me for being such a whiny, self indulgent little prick. I am a whiny, self indulgent little prick. "Boo-hoo, poor Stephen. Look at his hard life living with his parents, having meals cooked for him, playing games all day. He screams against inequality yet consumes just like every other white, middle class 20 odd."

Mass of contridictions. Hypocrisy is the only constant in human affairs. I thought of that while talking to Ainex. It rings true. We are all hypocrites. Or am I simply trying to foist my failings as the failings of the whole human race?

Am I ill? Can I be cured? The drugs don't work (they just make you worse), the support worker I have seems more geared to getting me out of the house. But what is the point of getting out of the house with nothing to do? I can get out of the house fine. I like traveling to Inverness. But the emptiness persits.

I would like to die. But I would dislike the problems it would cause my parents. They have had hard enough lives as it is. Wait until they die. Maybe then. When there is no one to care. No one to bother. Maybe then it could come.

Heh. I apologise. This is why I do not update that often. I do nothing to warrent posting. "There is nothing nice in my head". But sometimes I need an outlet. Otherwise the thoughts fester in my head. Oh christ. You can tell I have been reading crime fiction lately. My writing is rather cliched. Ian Rankim. The character of Rebus is rather fascinating.

---

Rightyho. I will just mention what I have been doing then I will be gone. Last Tuesday we had to have the whole house rewired. The council houses I live in were build for the shipbuilders (when the trade was still viable 20 years ago). With them being of wooden construction, the rewiring is pretty urgent due to fire risk so the council had to have the whole estate done. Had to clear up my whole room. Placed all my games and such in boxes so they did not impede the workmen, moved all the stuff in the middle of my room... Then buggered off to Inverness for the day. Bought some Ian Rankim books, some DVDs (Ameile, John Q, The Pianist), Games and some David Bowie and Crystal Method. Came home. Spent the rest of the week playing games during the night, sleeping during the day. My sister went back to College on the Sunday and... That was pretty much it. Another thrilling episode in the life of Stephen. In the next episode: Stephen gets kidnapped by aliens who reveal their plan to wipe out humanity. Will he save the day? Or will he shrug his shoulders and go to bed?

Zzzzzz..

Date:	2004-07-11 00:54
Subject:	Ich Troje - Zadnych Granic
Security:	Public
Mood:	good
Music:	Ich Troje - ZadrYch Granic

Ich wär so gerne mal ein Astronaut
Der von dort oben auf die Erde runterschaut
Denn alle, die dort oben einmal war'n
Sie alle sagen: "Es ist wunderbar"

Poczujesz tu plynacy wolniej czas
Cisze i spokój, którego tak brakuje nam
I u nas tez tak mogloby dzis byc
Jestesmy mali, lecz nie koniecznie zli

Keine grenzen, keine Fahnen
Von dort oben ist die Welt einfach nur schön
Keine Länder, keine Völker
Keine Kriege kann man von dort oben seh'n

Kazdy z nas powinien dotrzec tam
By zrozumiec, ze w tej walce sensu brak

Vielleicht nimmt uns das unser'n dummen Größenwahn
Und statt zu labern, fangen wir zu lieben an

Zadnych granic, zadnych flag
Nie ma glupich wasni, nie ma róznych ras
Zadnych wojen, zadnych panstw
Keine kriege kann man von dort oben seh'n

Bezgranichnyj mir bez flagov
S vysoty granitsy vovse ne vidny
Bezgranichnyj , neprivychnyj
Bez razdorov, vzryvov, zlosti i vojny
Von dort oben ist die Welt einfach nur schön



Translation for those who don't speak Polish/German. :-p



At times I wish I were an astronaut
Who looks down to Earth from up above
Because all those who were already up there
They all say: "It's wonderful"

There you feel the time flowing more slowly
Such silence and peace we miss
It could be like that here today
We are small, but we're not too bad

No borders, no flags
From up there our world is just beautiful
No countries, no peoples
No wars

We should all reach those heights
To understand that this war is nonsense
Perhaps it will take our stupid illusions of grandeur
And instead of babbling we begin to love

No borders, no flags,
There are no stupid quarrels, no different races
No wars, no peoples
No wars can be seen from up there

Limitless peace without flags
From above, borders can't be seen anymore
Limitless, unusual
Without quarrels, explosions, rage and wars

From up there our world is just beautiful

[LSK]
My baby was born in a bed
With white sheets, machines and heat
Traveled home in a car to a three room nest, eats and sleeps
Laminate flooring to crawl on, TV,
Talks, starts to walk, amongst love and security.
Goes to school, learns to read and write
Probably follows a team with his friends
And gets to ride the train,
Fall in love, probably fly on a plane
Get to work all week and spend what he earns
On the high street
He's got doctors, nurses, fireman, churches,
Kindergarten, wedding bells and jet black hearses
Passport, bankcard, maybe his own yard
Locks and alarms, trinkets and charms,
Maybe a baby in his arms

[Maxi Jazz]
My baby was born on his knees
One of poverty 's offspring
Came into the world coughing,
Already full of mother's disease
Went back to a flat, with no gas, no cash,
Rapped in a duvet full of cigarette ash,
Mama can't get no sleep,
Baby never quite get enough to eat.
Goes to school, learns to steal and fight,
Probably form a team with his friends,
Go steam those trains
Fall in love and never trust nobody again
Gets to work all week standing on the high street for Joe, Hustling blow, hustling blow.

Date:	2004-06-19 06:03
Subject:	Racism and War in the USA...
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

Appologise for fragmented nature of thought. This was pretty much written from the mass of thoughts jumbled in my head. :-p

---

Everyone expressed such suprise at the atrocities commited in Abu Ghandi prison. "How on Earth could our soldiers do such a thing". No-one, however, questioned WHY such a thing happened. They just took it as an isolated incident commited by people under preasure - yet again the American soldiers were the poor ones stuck in a Foriegn country - not those that are being oppressed by Foriegn Occupiers.

I think it will come as a suprise to most Americans on this board that US military abuse has been going on since the US gave people guns and said they could fight and kill under the banner of 'freedom'. Now I am not saying that the US is the only country to do this - far from it. This is just what happens when a military is trained to dehumanise those that the politicians deem as 'enemies'. Racism is a potent tool in warfare as it turns people who are not killers into people who are ready to do so. Although it does raise some questions. How on Earth can you be liberators if you take this attitude to the people you are supposed to liberate?

Now let's look at some examples. The Phillipines. 1898. After winning the war against the 'oppressive' Spannish do they decide to grant the Phillipines its freedom from oppression of another nation? Like hell. The US were going to 'civilise' that country if it was the last thing they did. Lovely how Theodore Rosevelt believed that the US crushing them was a 'triumph over the black chaos of savagery and barbarism'. There were massacres galore (3000 Fillipinos were massacred in Manilla and tortures designed to get information (seem familiar?)

Now of course you could say 'but that was in the past'. And quite rightly so. I mean, after all, in the early 20th Century the US was an utterly racist country but now it is a racial heaven where all races are treated equally and without discrimination, isn't it?

So let us fast foward to Vietnam. The name 'William Carley' ring a bell? He led a group of 80 US soldiers and obliterated a South Vietnameese Village, My Lai. 500 men, women and children dead in the name of 'Democracy'. So what happened? Was he punished for his crime? Was his name spoken with disgust by the American people?

Wrong again.

He was revelled as a National Hero. Jimmy Carter (as Governer for Georgia) urged people to leave their headlights on as a show of support for him, rallies were held in support for him... Support for a mass murderer. And he was not the only one commiting attrocities. The same things that happened in the Phillipines were happening again in Vietnam. Right down to the dehumanisation (From 'niggers' to 'gooks'). And yet again torture was employed as a means to get information.

Then just look at the modern wars. The new 'gooks' are the Arabs or the Islamists. They are 'barbaric' say many of your politicians. They are 'true evil'. They're not people anymore - they are a personification of everything that you fear. Your soldiers are taught this and then you wonder why they commit the attrocities that they do? All you have to do is look at the conditions in Guantanamo Bay or the various Iraq detention centers to see that the cancer of racism inside the US army has still not gone away. And STILL your so-called 'liberal' media supports them... It's scary but you are the only people who can change it.

Now you may ask 'that's true, but what about Britain'. Yes. Britain has done the same. We could talk about the ethnic cleansing of the Highland Scots, we could talk about the Firebombing of Dresden, we could talk about our mistreatment of the Indians. But we are no longer in a position to commit the abuse. The USA is. You have to know what is going on to stop it. Or do you even care?

With a long range weapon or a suicide bomb.
A wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction.

Whether your soar away Sun or BBC 1,
Disinformation is a weapon of mass destruction.

You could a caucasian or a poor asian,
Racism is a weapon of mass destruction.

Whether inflation or globalisation,
Fear is a weapon of mass destruction.

Whether Haliburton or Enron or anyone,
Greed is a weapon of mass destruction.

We need to find courage, overcome
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction
Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction.

Faithless - Fear is a Weapon of Mass Destruction

The walls are around us. All the time we surround ourseles with walls. Trapping us. Enclosing us. We live in walls, we are trapped in routines - claustrophobic existances with regulations and conventions. We preach freedom but we are not really free. And through these barriers and restrictions comes pain. Everyone is in pain, some are just better at hiding it then others. The only way to deal with said pain is paint on your happy face or fade away. But people need to fight. Those who paint on a happy face and learning to accept the world as it is will lead to our own destruction. Humans are weak creatures. We allow ourselves to be controled and bow submissivly to any person who claims themselves to be superior. We will have to change or otherwise we will destroy ourselves. We are falling deeper with each passing day. People have smiles on their faces but inside they are gasping for breath, vainly clawing at the air for something to save them. Craving release from this bondage, screaming in pain and frustration.

It has to change. Everything has to change.

Date:	2004-04-12 12:27
Subject:	Work...
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

Talked to my dad today. Mentioned something his own father had told him before about the nature of work. "Work is the tool used to keep people occupied".

There seems to be a lot of truth in that. Soceity is becoming more and more geared towards a simple 'tooling' of the populance so they can be nice pliable little drones ready and willing to serve their corperate masters. Education based on 'work-focused' projects. The ability to think is no longer a required attribute. To this end education for educations sake is being frowned upon. Universities are being turned into business' themselves. What you are supposed to do now is learn 'transferable' skills, work, buy, produce a couple of more drones then die. Where has the idea of the 'good life' gone?

What is reality? Is reality defined by what the majority see or what the majority wish you to see? All to often I am told my views aren't 'realistic'. That they're Utopian. They will never work in the 'real world'. Yet what they miss is that imagination is reality. Without imagination reality will never be crafted. Without imagionation the world will stagnate.

Yet already imagiation is dying. People are getting paid to think for others. Create 'entertainment' which tends to dilute the imagination, making people consumers of other peoples formulaic anti-imagination. When reality is crafted in this way which restricts the imaginative outputs of others, then it will be harder and harder to escape. We should not be forced into accepting this forced reality as we all experience reality diffrently. Who is to say that their reality is more valid then anothers?

Reality is subjective.

Date:	2004-03-14 17:09
Subject:	The Madrid Attrocity...
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Underworld

200 dead. Such a horrid, waste of life. Yet already the politicans are scrambling to use this to their own ends. Blair jumping up and down and using it to justify turning the UK into a Police State, Spain's Popular Party trying to use it to gain support for their election... Such a sad state of affairs.

Then we also have the 5 suspects, the Morrocans and Indians... We must resist the urge to demonise these diffrent races and cultures because of the acts of a small minority. We must also understand WHY they are driven to such acts. They cannot be forgiven, but when it is the actions of OUR Governments commiting attrocities in OUR names... We cannot say that our Governments are right in bombing civilian villages in the Middle East and that the 'Terrorists' are wrong in bombing trains and buildings. We must proclaim that the right-wing forces in both Government and extremist organisations are wrong. If we let our Governments get their way and invade and bomb innocent countries, the cycle of violence will continue. For every one family that is killed by an American or British jet, 10 people will spring up to attack any targets they wish in the West as revenge. Then the West will attack the villages again in revenge...

And you have this cycle of terror. Bombs dropped from planes or bombs planted on trains. There is no diffrence. It is still terrorism. We must stop ALL kinds - or else more innocent people, whether it be workers in a tower, train or simple villagers in the middle east, will die.

Date:	2004-02-26 00:46
Subject:	The Evils of Capitalism.
Security:	Public
Mood:	good

Capitalism
n.

An economic system in which the means of production and distribution are privately or corporately owned and development is proportionate to the accumulation and reinvestment of profits gained in a free market.

The ecenomic system of slavery and waste, Capitalism is the preffered ecenomic form for the rich - as it enables them to become much, much richer. Nevermind the gross inequalities that happen under the system. "Who cares about the 1,000 workers we have just fired!", the fatcat heads of companies gush. "We've just increased our profit margin 100%!"

So while these 1000 people are left without a job and suffering all the social problems loss of a job entails, deppresion, breakup of relationships, bad health, suicide, etc, the company bosses quaff another bottle of champagne on their chartered Cruise Ship. Where is the justice in this? Yes, it's great that the business has increased its profit level... But this only makes the wealthy richer and the impoverished poorer. The increased profit level does nothing for soceity - yet we see newspapers across the globe applaud such decsions!

Yet this is only the tip of the iceberg. How many more other companies are deciding to 'offshore' their business' to take advantage of 'cheap labour' elsewhere in the globe? Is it a coincidence that most of the countries these companies relocate to are ruled by dictatorships and military juntas? After all, what's better then a country that bans unions and does not have any intrest at all in the well-being of their people as long as the bribes keep on rolling in? Look at places like Burma, where the military dictatorship forces civilians - men, women and children alike, to labour to build roads and rails for the Foriegn Companies to get their produce moving... Corperations and dictatorships go hand in hand - as how better to exploit workers then to have a friendly government brandishing a stick? Forcing them to work in overcrowded sweatshops, making products for us Western Consumers, at the barrel of a loaded rifle. All in the name of Global Capitalism.

There is also the wastage that goes on under Capitalism. When you are outside, look around you. No-doubt you will see McDonalds and Coca Cola cans lying about at the curbside, billboards around you advertising the Next Best Thing then the Next Best Thing you bought two weeks ago. You get home and switch on the TV and see adverts which cost millions of pounds to make - simply trying to get you to buy more. Buy, use, throw away. Buy, use, throw away. Repeat to fade. What if this was not the case? What if instead of producing Cruise Ships which cost years of labour and millions of pounds to make, the production facilities created medical machines instead for the whole planet? Why cater to the needs of an elite few when you could cater for everyone? The needy? The sick? The vunerable? Under the present system production is wasted on throw-away goods and toys for the rich. Faster and sleeker sports cars, bigger TV's, assorted precious stones... Yet the real necsecities for life are ignored. How can such a system be allowed to survive?

When corperations have so much say in matters, even science is impeded. Large oil companies have bought up patents to many sustainable energy developments. Cars running on cleaner fuels? Bought by oil companies and kept under lock and key as they threaten their precious 'profit'. Anything truely dureable is similiarly bought up and hidden away as what profit could a lightbulb make which never broke? Even look at things like PC technology. Rather then leap ahead to the level that they can acheive, they release it in dribs and drabs so to 'maximise profits'.

What is the sense of letting such a wasteful and disruptive system stay in our lives and keep on poisioning the minds of everyone? Instilling in peoples minds that greed rather then the goodness for all is the driving principle behind people... When will we all wake up?

Date:	2004-02-18 21:15
Subject:	Racism
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	VNV Nation

Why does Racism have to be so pervelant in our soceity? Why on Earth do we have to invent mythical diffrent-coloured hordes that will 'descend upon our country' and 'take jobs away from our good, hardworking'... Blah, blah, blah. Is it not sad the hypocricy that many of us show? Respect the disabled, respect the elderly, respect the children... But don't give a damn about the 20 cockle pickers who lost their lives at Morcombe Bay. As they're not the same colour as us. They are 'illegal' imigrants. They don't seem to deserve any compassion.

What makes the majority think this way? Although we have diffrent customs, diffrent languages, the same thoughts and worries are there. There is nothing diffrent underneath. If they are cut the same blood will run which fills our veins. Yet still we must blame others for our own failures. Until we stop being so pig-headed on this subject things will never get any better. All that will happen is that scum like the BNP will use such tradgedies as the Cockle Picker deaths for their own ends - and making sure the cycle continues.

Date:	2004-02-07 17:58
Subject:	RMT Union Splits with New Labour
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	Manic Street Preachers - Masses Against the Classes

Click Here for the article.

Very exciting news this. Hopefully this will encourage more Unions to break ties with Labour and move affiliation to the Scottish Socialists and hopefully it could even encourage the merging together of the English Socialists into one cohesive body. We've been left for far too long without a Socialist Party in Britain. But this news is the best I've heard for awhile now. :)

Date:	2004-02-02 01:52
Subject:	Socialists vs Anarchists?
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	None

Ever since I've became intrested in politics there has been an awareness that between certain groups on the left there is a LOT of anamosity. Greens tend to sneer at the Socialists, Socialists sneer at the Anarchists, Anarchists sneer back and the 'Non-Aligned' anti-globilisation protestors sneer at everyone. But is this nescesary or helpful?

Granted. Many of us have diffrent views for the future, but rather then look at what seperates us we should look to what we share in our views.

For instance, Anarchists and Socialists are two very distinct groups, who both tend to enjoy criticsing the others. Anarchists tend to emphasise the stereotype of the "Red-Flag flying drone", while Socialists tend to view Anarchists as un-realistic dreamers with no real plan. However, rather then look at what seperates us wouldn't it be much better to look to what binds us?

I think it's safe to say that we both think that the world as it is now is broken. The system we have in place is not meeting the needs of the vast majority of people on this planet. I'm am also quite happy to say that both of us wish for MORE democratic participation in our ideal system. At the minute I'm quite sure both Socialists and Anarchists are not happy with the 'tick a box every 5 years' "Democracy" that we have now. We also tend to believe in greater co-operation with each other rather then competition. (Something that seems pretty irionic at times when viewing the in-fighting that goes on).

We have so many similarties, yet we still engadge in pointless bickering which does nothing but serve the intrests of those who wish to keep us fragmented and weak. Rather then look at ourselves as enemies we should be focusing our energies on what we're against. Rather then viewing ourselves as contenders we should be working together to build our future. United in our struggle - that is the only way foward.

Date:	2004-02-01 17:24
Subject:	The Mortal Wound of the Civilised World
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	Final Fantasy IX Soundtrack

You're obliged to pretend respect for people and institutions you think absurd. You live attached in a cowardly fashion to moral and social conventions you despise, condemn, and know lack all foundation. It is that permanent contradiction between your ideas and desires and all the dead formalities and vain pretenses of your civilization which makes you sad, troubled and unbalanced. In that intolerable conflict you lose all joy of life and all feeling of personality, because at every moment they suppress and restrain and check the free play of your powers. That's the poisoned and mortal wound of the civilized world.

- Le Jardin des Supplices (The Torture Garden) - Octave Mirbeau

We are trapped. Soceity always seems to lapse into an order where you have control by a minority over a majority. Enfrocing THEIR moral codes and THEIR social conventions. Where everyone has a 'place' they must be 'kept' in. Is there any hope of changing the world - or are we simply doomed to repeat the mistakes made by others in the past?